Lately I've been feeling lost. My lease ends in September and I still haven't found a place I can afford that isn't further from my school and further from the people and places I have come to know and love here. Teachers go back to school in a week. Usually I'd be ready to go back to work, but this time I'm dreading it. At the end of the school year there were many lessons I was excited to research and plan out, materials I wanted to sit down and order and things to make for my classroom. Over the summer I haven't once been able to bring myself to lift a hand to accomplish these tasks. I've also started dating someone, which I should feel excited about, but I've started to think more about what I want to do in life maybe I want to go to Africa still and teach or raise orphans, maybe I want to go live in Colorado or Oregon or maybe closer to my best friend in Pennsylvania. I don't know if I want to stay or even know what I'm doing in Houston. It's been tough since I've gotten here, but this move has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. It's just right now, I don't know which way is up or down, what decisions are right or wrong and what the cause of this aching heart is.
While I have been feeling this way for a few weeks, this past Sunday morning came and Shauna Neiquist spoke at Ecclesia. God must have known I needed her words, because she spoke right to my heart. If you know me, you know I can be quite emotional about a lot of things in life. I'll shed a tear here and there for something ugly, something beautiful, something hurtful or something joyous, so tearing up in church once and a while is not unusual for me. As Shauna spoke though, and even when she was done and I left the building, I could not stop these tears from streaming. She broke me. She really broke me.
She spoke about our stories, how each one of us is made up of multiple stories. These stories are what define us from others. Sometimes we let our old stories, the not so good ones, keep us from writing new stories. Most of my life I've been letting old stories control my thoughts and my actions, always asking God to take them away, but never fully knowing how to let him. When I came to Houston I started to feel the process of rewriting these stories take place, because here I was on my own. I had no past here, I had no friends, no family, no community, no one and nothing to run to for comfort. It was a new start and it was just Jesus and I. I had to rely on him for everything, even though sometimes I didn't want to. Since then though these old stories seem to have crept there way back into my mind and soul, taking control of my helpless heart. I started to think about these old stories, the ones that have clouded my heart, my mind and my soul for years. The stories that make me think I'm not smart, not beautiful, not an artist, not a writer, not good enough for a Christian community, not strong enough, that I can't do anything right, and that I have no special talent. These are the stories I need re-written.
I realized I've been waiting for the world to tell me I'm not these things. I've been relying on the words of humans to tell me that I'm smart, that I'm beautiful, that I'm artistic, that I'm a writer, that I'm good enough to belong to a Christian community, that I am strong, that I can do things right and I'm not a complete screw up, that I am talented, and worth loving, hoping that if I hear it enough I might at some point in my life believe it. These old stories are so ingrained into my being though, that no person outside myself could ever re-write these stories for me. It has to be Jesus and I once again.
I've come to think though that it might take a community for someone to be healed and be able to re-write these stories. A place where someone has to be honest and can be honest about themselves and their hurting without feeling like they are being a burden. A place where a person can be real and not feel like they are being judged for the decisions they have once made. A place in which a person can feel whole. I've come to realize though that it has to start with me. I tend to keep my life hidden, only sharing the parts people feel the need to ask about. If I feel safe enough with you, I might throw out a thought here and there or share a feeling I might have or a struggle, but for most of my life that has been a rare occasion. I don't really like to talk about those things and sometimes pretend like they don't exist. For some reason I can write about them, but when it comes to words spoken I can't seem to find them. Since Sunday Shauna's words have resinated in my mind, helping me realize the actions I need to take in my life. The actions that will help me re-write these stories and heal what has been broken for far too long.
One thing she told us that day that really stuck with me was this story about her friend. One of her friends had been going through an abusive situation and as she was in the process of getting out of it and healing, she went and got a tattoo on her wrist. The tattoo said GOOD. It wasn't facing so anyone else could read it, but the words were placed facing her so she could read it. When she was asked why she had the word GOOD tattooed on her wrist and facing the way it was facing, she said, "Because it is for me. To remind myself that I am GOOD." She then asked if there was one story we could re-write what word would that be? What word would we tattoo on our wrist to remind ourselves that we are that? I thought about it for a while not being able to come up with just one and then I realized what it would be, "FORGIVEN". Mine would be FORGIVEN.
What stories might you need to re-write in your life? What word do you need to tattoo on your wrist?
While I have been feeling this way for a few weeks, this past Sunday morning came and Shauna Neiquist spoke at Ecclesia. God must have known I needed her words, because she spoke right to my heart. If you know me, you know I can be quite emotional about a lot of things in life. I'll shed a tear here and there for something ugly, something beautiful, something hurtful or something joyous, so tearing up in church once and a while is not unusual for me. As Shauna spoke though, and even when she was done and I left the building, I could not stop these tears from streaming. She broke me. She really broke me.
She spoke about our stories, how each one of us is made up of multiple stories. These stories are what define us from others. Sometimes we let our old stories, the not so good ones, keep us from writing new stories. Most of my life I've been letting old stories control my thoughts and my actions, always asking God to take them away, but never fully knowing how to let him. When I came to Houston I started to feel the process of rewriting these stories take place, because here I was on my own. I had no past here, I had no friends, no family, no community, no one and nothing to run to for comfort. It was a new start and it was just Jesus and I. I had to rely on him for everything, even though sometimes I didn't want to. Since then though these old stories seem to have crept there way back into my mind and soul, taking control of my helpless heart. I started to think about these old stories, the ones that have clouded my heart, my mind and my soul for years. The stories that make me think I'm not smart, not beautiful, not an artist, not a writer, not good enough for a Christian community, not strong enough, that I can't do anything right, and that I have no special talent. These are the stories I need re-written.
I realized I've been waiting for the world to tell me I'm not these things. I've been relying on the words of humans to tell me that I'm smart, that I'm beautiful, that I'm artistic, that I'm a writer, that I'm good enough to belong to a Christian community, that I am strong, that I can do things right and I'm not a complete screw up, that I am talented, and worth loving, hoping that if I hear it enough I might at some point in my life believe it. These old stories are so ingrained into my being though, that no person outside myself could ever re-write these stories for me. It has to be Jesus and I once again.I've come to think though that it might take a community for someone to be healed and be able to re-write these stories. A place where someone has to be honest and can be honest about themselves and their hurting without feeling like they are being a burden. A place where a person can be real and not feel like they are being judged for the decisions they have once made. A place in which a person can feel whole. I've come to realize though that it has to start with me. I tend to keep my life hidden, only sharing the parts people feel the need to ask about. If I feel safe enough with you, I might throw out a thought here and there or share a feeling I might have or a struggle, but for most of my life that has been a rare occasion. I don't really like to talk about those things and sometimes pretend like they don't exist. For some reason I can write about them, but when it comes to words spoken I can't seem to find them. Since Sunday Shauna's words have resinated in my mind, helping me realize the actions I need to take in my life. The actions that will help me re-write these stories and heal what has been broken for far too long.
One thing she told us that day that really stuck with me was this story about her friend. One of her friends had been going through an abusive situation and as she was in the process of getting out of it and healing, she went and got a tattoo on her wrist. The tattoo said GOOD. It wasn't facing so anyone else could read it, but the words were placed facing her so she could read it. When she was asked why she had the word GOOD tattooed on her wrist and facing the way it was facing, she said, "Because it is for me. To remind myself that I am GOOD." She then asked if there was one story we could re-write what word would that be? What word would we tattoo on our wrist to remind ourselves that we are that? I thought about it for a while not being able to come up with just one and then I realized what it would be, "FORGIVEN". Mine would be FORGIVEN.
What stories might you need to re-write in your life? What word do you need to tattoo on your wrist?
