There Once was a Girl

There once was a girl born into a cruel and imperfect world

But at the time she was pure to perfection

The world had its toll and it yearned for her soul and not for a good intention

She grew and she grew and in her heart knew that many a souls were broken

She knew of a man who gave more than his hand, but gave his life to heal the broken

Because of this love she flew like a dove to the open world around her

She tried to spread his love, but was given back mud and soon it became too much to handle

She made many a mistake collecting more mud on her plate, to the point she was willing to gamble

She knew of this mans grace, but was scared and started to race too many steps in the wrong direction

Instead of running towards grace she ran the opposite way, from the things she felt she didn’t deserve

She lost her direction in strive for perfection, an objective she knew could not be obtained

She freely gave grace to others passing her way, knowing he had done this all together

But when it came to her own she was as hard as stone and couldn’t grasp it was given for her

Who could love this dove that had become covered in all of this mud, that every time got up to try proved a failure

She knew it was true for others, but for herself could not uncover this gift that had been so freely given

So she waits for the day she can make her way to the realization,

That this man paid her dues not because she has clean shoes, but because he loves her as she comes

In spite of all her mud and imperfections.

Understanding Mom

     I haven't written in a while.  I've been busy with things that I will eventually write about later, but my itching to write has stopped me today to take some time to write about Mom.  Today is Mothers Day, we all know this, if you didn't then you still have 3 hours left to do something so your mother will never know you forgot.

     As a child I grew up loving my mom and despising her at the same time.  I always sought out her approval secretly, but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried I could never full fill it.  I was a sensitive child, always searching for approval, trying to obtain perfection in everything I did and working my hardest to acheive this goal.  My sense of feeling was abundant and caring about others and their feelings was a strong part of who I was.  My Mother was the logical thinker, the realistic reasoner and judge (I think you might be able to sense where this is going).  Needless to say as I grew into a teenage girl and continued on into high school, we clashed immensely.  She never understood my feelings and I never understood her logic and reasoning.  She seemed to think she was always right and I despised this.  I wanted so bad to have a mom that I could tell things to, but I was afraid of judgment.

     I eventually left home and went off to college and it wasn't until years after this happening that our relationship started to mend.  I started to become my own person and break free of the mental cage I had created of worrying about what my mother thought.  As I grew I started to understand her reasoning and her logic and I think she has now come to understand and see my feelings as a gift.  My view of her has totally changed and I realized that as a child I wasn't able to see or understand her actions as loving.  I was selfish, I was pride full, and I had no clue what I needed, I only knew what I wanted.
I've come to see this mother of mine as a heavenly gift, the one God specifically chose for me and the one who brought me into this world.  To say I didn't love this woman would be saying I do not love myself.

     I have had a few years to reflect on my life, discover who I am, who I am continually becoming as well as what and who has influenced these growths and changes.  My mother is a huge and significant part of this and is the reason I wanted to take time to write about her.

She is the one who taught me to love and care for others no matter how they treat you.

She taught me how to forgive.

She has never turned anyone down who needed a place to stay or a helping hand.

She is the one who taught me how to respect others and myself.

She is the one who instilled this sense of independence in me and the ability to do things on my own.

She is the one that taught me to not be wasteful.  

Turn off the lights and TV when you leave the room, reuse plastic bags, recycle, how to compost, do not leave the water running, take short showers, only take what you will finish eating, etc.

She taught me how to be a good steward with my money.

She taught me to work hard.  

She taught me how to take care of my body and how to stay healthy.

She taught me how to plant.

(My favorite memories are going with her to pick out plants and planting them together around the yard.)

She taught me how to cook.

She taught me how to read.

She taught me to think about my decisions and to use logic and reasoning.

She taught me how to vote.  She showed me how to get information on the candidates views saying,"You won't always agree with everything the candidates believe in, but you need to decide what things are the most important to you and decide from there."

She taught me to look at both sides of an argument and not to believe everything I hear or see at first glance.  Find trustworthy sources and look for the truth yourself.

She taught me that money and the things of this world do not matter.  As I have dented and wrecked quite a few things in my life, this one I am very appreciative of.  As my dad would get mad at a few of these occurrences I knew my mom would laugh and eventually my dad would too.

.

With my mom I can be goofy, I can be silly, I can ask questions about anything and she will never show annoyance towards them.  

With my mom I can cry, I can hurt, I can be angry and she will just listen and be of comfort.

She always knows what to say.

With my mom I can take a few steps back, so I can see things from a different perspective.

With my mom I can have fun.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with celebrities.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with getting boys attention.

Because of my mom, I never obsessed over having the nicest and newest things of this world.

Because of my mom, I can take care of myself.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with watching TV.

Because of my mom, I found a love for reading and learning.

Because of my mom, I found Jesus' love.

Because of my mom, I never really fit in anywhere.

Because of my mom, I am different.

For this, I am thankful.

Now we can talk about many things.

Now we have learned to trust each other.

Now we are starting to understand each other.

Now we are able to share our feelings.

Now we are able to talk about the issues we may have with each other, instead of holding onto it.

Now we can help each other grow.

Now we appreciate each other and our differences.

I have now come to realize that everything my mom did was out of love for me.
As a teacher, I have come to slightly understand this sort of relationship and feeling.
Caring for a child so much, wanting the very best for them and not being able to get them to understand  that you are doing everything out of love for them.
Caring so much, but getting punched in the face instead.
I am now genuinely appreciative.

Thank you mom for being there for me always.

Thank you for putting up with my attitude and awful behavior.

Thank you for loving me in spite of everything I have done to hurt you.

Thank you for supporting me and the decisions I make.

Thank you for telling me the truth, even if I might not want to hear it.

Thank you for being happy for me.

Thank you for telling me when you are proud of me.

Thank you for making me, me.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Ashley

Death, The Beach, and The Hunger Games

There is something strangely powerful about death or the thought of death.  The control it sometimes has over ones mind and their life.  It makes people do things they have never done before or would have thought they never would have done.  It may bring out the good in a person and cause them to change their actions for the better or it may bring out the evil in a person, causing them to do the unthinkable.

As I can not seem to sleep in anymore on the weekends, I decided to go for a run yesterday morning to start of the day.  On this run I started to contemplate death and  how it makes people react, when they know they are going to die or have a chance of dying.  I don't know really know how it came about, I rarely ever do.  These things just kind of create themselves in my head.  

I thought about how here, in America, many of us live as if we are invincible.  We go about our daily lives as if there is no chance of us dying today.  Think about it, how many times have you woken up and thought I better make the best of today, because it could be my last?  How many times have you thought about it in the last week or even the last month?  My guess is very few, but then again who am I to guess. I know for myself I do not wake up each day this week thinking, this might be my last run so I better make every second count! Probably not even the week before that.  Most of us aren't around death enough or have come face to face with death ourselves to feel or think this way.  We haven't encountered very many personal tragedy's to really develop the mindset that each day could really be our last day on this earth.  Then I thought of the people around the world who live each day wondering if this will  be the day they die, who live in fear that any second their life could be taken from them, living each day of their life in survival mode.

Back in St. Cloud I had a general manager who asked me one time, "If someone knew the exact day you were going to die, would you want to know?"  

You would think this would be an easy yes or no question, but at the time I did not know if I would want to know or not.  He knew right away.  No.  

While I was running, that old question popped into my mind and I thought about people who were terminally ill and how they receive an aproximate time range of how long they will live for.  I thought about if I would change how I am living my life.  If I knew I only had a certain amount of time in this world, what things would I change in my life?

Would I tell anyone that I was dying if I did know?

Would it matter if I told anyone or not?

Would people see a change in how I lived my life or am I living it in a way right now that I wouldn't need to change a thing?

Questions racked my brain, thinking over and over again what it is I would do.

After my run I did some laundry and started to get ready to go to the beach for a nice relaxing afternoon, before dinner and the Hunger Games.  

I was jammin out in my car with the windows down, the sun shining and a big smile on my face.  I stopped at an intersection and a homeless man came walking up to my window and told me to have a blessed day.  I looked around in my car, but the only thing I seem to have accomplished putting in there is water...  I told him I had some bottled water if he would like.

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

Even though he said it I couldn't help but feel as if this offer of a bottle of water was useless and that I could give much more than that.

"You know you're real pretty."

I laughed and said thank you.

"Where's your Romeo?"

"Don't have one."

"Well are you taking any applications," he said with a smile.

I laughed again, "No sir, I am fine on my own, thank you."

The light turned green and I was on my way to Galveston.  As I drove I couldn't stop thinking about the homeless man I had just encountered.   Then it came to me...this is what I would change.  I should have given him my lunch that I had packed, I should have stopped and sat down and talked to him, I should have taken him out for breakfast.  Instead I was so focused on where I was going and how great it would be once I got there, that didn't stop and see what I could and should have done at the moment that I was in.  I thought and I thought, was it really important that I got to the beach today?  No.  Was it important that I build relationships and help those in need that God has surrounded me with?  Yes.
I then started to think about the many things I do everyday that seem so nonsensical when you think about it that way.  Yes, Jesus rested and yes Jesus went to weddings and celebrations, but how much of it was resting and celebrating compared to helping those in need?  When I look at my own life is it even close?

The funny thing about this whole thing is that since I have been down here I have wanted to go out and help those out on the street.  Just talk to them.  Learn about them.  Get to know them as a person.  Hear their life story.  Become a friend to them.  Help them.  But, have I done this yet?  Nope.
There I go again just sitting and waiting for the right moment to make itself available to me.  Truth is it won't ever come.  Truth is I just need to get up and go right now.  This is the moment I know I am given.  The hardest part about that is keeping that mindset and not letting it just fire me up now, but continually in my day to day life.  Not letting my thoughts of, I'm doing just fine in my own little world, keep me from acting. I know this, but I don't do this.  Why?  Is it because I think I'll have many more days to start, many more days to do what I chose not to do today, that I have the thought that maybe I'm invincible?

Another question popped into my head.  This one has appeared a few times.  The very first time it came about, was the end of my second year in college.  A friend of mine at the time said that the reason they never drank was because they asked themselves this question, "Is this something I want to be caught doing when Jesus comes back for me?"

Back then I thought wow that is a great question and while I didn't really think about it too much after that, it's been in the back of my mind ever since.  A few years later, this past summer actually, it appeared again.  This time I was reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  He asked the very same question.  This time I thought a little more in depth about the question.  I thought of what it is I should be doing in this world rather than what it is I should not be doing.  I think many times people focus so much on the "what nots" rather than what we should be doing.  Well that question came up again yesterday, but this time it wasn't someone else or a book asking me the question, it was myself.  I thought about what Jesus would think if he caught me just chillin on the beach, eating in a nice restaraunt, sitting watching a movie, relaxing in my room, surfing the internet, sitting in church; etc, etc. while His brothers and sisters are sitting out on the streets hungry and tired.  While His sons and daughters are being sold into slavery, searching for clean water, searching for food, and lying in the streets dying from malnutrition, dehydration and disease.  I know how I would feel.  Ashamed.

After contemplating these thoughts at the beach I headed back home to go see the Hunger Games.
During most of the movie I  was an emotional wreck.  I swear the older I get the more emotional I get.  The thoughts about loving others, helping others, human greed, selfishness and death continued to cycle through my brain.  It was then I noticed another thing about death.  Fear of death brings about the evil inside of people.  When a person is put in a situation in which the only way they can live is by the death of someone else, it drives them to be a killer.  The person may never have thought about killing a person before, but now in the desperation to survive, they will.  (I couldn't help but think of the Saw movies for another example of this.) Put in this same situation though with someone they love and care for, one may become sacrificial.  Thats the beauty of love.  On the other hand, someone who may have thought they would sacrifice their own life at one point, may then take a life for their own well being.

At the end of the movie I sat there thinking.  I thought about the selfishness and destructiveness of the human race and then thanked God (the only one who has conquered death) that he was here to give us love and to show us how to love...  While there may be an overwhelming amount of evil, hate, selfishness and destruction in this world, there is still love being spread.

Little Cousins & Relationships

There is something funny about growing older.  People are always wanting to know what your goals are, what your job is going to be, what your future plans are, they want to find out where you are headed in life and my absolute favorite (If you can't sense the sarcasm) are you dating anyone?  Oh you know, I know this one guy that would be perfect for you... I wish I could count on my hands how many times I have heard that! Ha I'm sure all you single people out there know what I am talking about.  You get it from your friends single, dating and married.  You get it from aunts, grandmas, moms, co-workers, acquaintances, strangers, etc.  But my favorite (not being sarcastic now) is when you hear it from kids.  Those are the ones that crack me up, because their views of relationships and dating is so different from ours.  Sweet, sweet innocence.

For me, I get questions and input from my students all the time.

"Miss, you should be out dating and having fun."

Me-"Your to young to date."
Student-"Your to old not to date!"

Student-"Miss, are you dating anyone?"
Me-"Nope."
Student-"Why not?"

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

"You should date my brother!"

"You should date my dad."

"You should date my cousin."

Ha, I have heard these statements and questions constantly, over and over again.  But every time they talk about it it cracks me up, because I don't understand their obsession over it.  I also get it from my little cousin which is the reason I am writing this post, because she is hilarious when she gives me and my brother advice.  While this is probably not as funny relayed in this form of communication, it is all too funny not to share.

     The day before I left for Texas my little cousin sent along a book with her mom to give to me, since she couldn't be there to say good-bye.  The book was on relationships... of course!  It was called "Finding Ever After: A Romantic Adventure for Her, An Adventurous Romance for Him"  In the book she left my brother and I both a note and it went like this:

Dear Ashley & Ty,

I found a book for the two of you to share.  Since Ashley is older Ty she will get to read it first.  Now Ashley since you are going to Texsas (Sorry I mean) TEXAS there will be plenty of guys there so after you read this you will know if any of them are right for you.  Once you have finished from cover-to-cover (Ha I love how she adds this in here!) please pass it on to Ty.  And Ty to make sure you are on the right page, use my list to help as a bookmark.

Love your favorite cousin,
Marissa

I couldn't help but burst out laughing!  I was talking to my brother the other day and remembered this letter she wrote us that I forgot to relay to him so I shared it then.

"Oh ha that bookmark she's talking about is that list that she made me of what I need to look for in a girl!"

A while back, my aunt and cousins had dinner with my brother while they were in Fargo for hockey.  Well this same little cousin of ours wrote him a list of what he needed to look for in a girl, since he was in college now and "needed" to find a girlfriend.  My brother read the list to me and it went like this:
First in really big letters it said

Love's Ty!

Ty Loves Her!

This is some great advice : )

Then it continued on:

*Pretty 

*Smart

*Athletic

*Talkative

*Kind

*Nice

*If glasses has contacts

*Funny

*Smells good

*Good Family

*Thin

*Likes Me

*Brunette/Black/Blonde hair

   No red or funny colors

*Hardworker

*Family Friendly

*Good Education

*No beer, only classy alcohol

*No funny laugh

*Job

*Not a hobo

*No tattoos 

*Funny

*I like her

*No gross piercings

*Can't smoke

*Has a job

*Good attitude

*Likes animals

My favorites are the largest, but the whole thing makes me laugh every time.  She also left a space to write down girls with potential.  The list she came up with for him later on was:

1.)Walmart girl ( a random girl my brother had to give a hug and took a picture with for a scavenger hunt at Walmart)

2.) Selena Gomez

Sounds like some great picks to me!

She also called him and left him a message about a singles christian dating service, but it was the wrong number and ended up on someone else phone : )  I'm surprised she hasn't set up an account for us yet!!  

A Letter to Me

In High School our 10th grade teacher had us write our selves a letter that she would mail to us when we graduated.  I don't know about you, but I love to read my old papers, poems, journals, etc.  I love this not only because it reminds me of events and my thought process in my life at the time, but it also shows me how I have grown over the years.  Today I ran across this letter and it read:

Hey Ashley!
How are you doing now days?  I hope you are doing fine.  Your graduating this year so hopefully you know what collage your going to attend, and I hope it's a good one! Ha ha!  Hopefully you have a good enough job to pay those collage bills and to keep you from going hungry.  Remember to be yourself in the new world because that's who you are at your best.  "Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein
Hopefully you have passed all of those skating tests you wanted to and I hope you had fun with the greatest softball coach ever, Mikayla.  Be sure to make lots of new friends, even though they could never replace the ones here in Zimmerman.  Try your hardest in collage.  It might be tough but just remember, "You never fail until you stop trying."  So keep it up.
       In five years I hope you've graduated collage with a 4-year degree and have an enjoyable good paying job to show for those years of school.  Maybe you have a husband now or a potential husband.  I hope he's as great as our romantic stories in Duetsch Klasse.  I hope he loves to travel and loves to laugh and have as much fun as you do.  So did you visit those places and do the things you wanted to do on your "Places to go and things to do" list?  If you did I hope you had the greatest time ever and brought back some cool souvenirs.  I hope you have some new friends but still keep in touch with Kayla.  Remember you promised each other you would be at the others wedding.  You guys have been together forever and have so many memories.
     Well, in ten years I hope you have that interior designing job you absolutely wanted.  I know how much you love to create and design things.  "Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss you'll land among the stars." -Les Brown
Hopefully your side job teaching figure skaters is doing well and maybe I'll see your skaters on TV someday.  I hope your wedding was great on the beautiful oceanic beach.  I hope your kids are doing great and I hope you have a nice luxurious home up in the mountains and close to a beach like you've dreamed of.  Life may get rough sometimes though, but keep your head up.  Look at the many things you've accomplished and that you still have to accomplish and be glad you have the ability to do so.  "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." -Anon
     I hope when you get this letter you will have accomplished as much as you wanted to.  Even though High school is in the past never forget all of the things you learned in little zimmtown, and maybe you'll know as much as Mr. Vevea does!  Always learn from your mistakes and it will make the next time around much easier.  Keep your friends in mind and remember all of the things they've showed you, and all of the memories happy and sad.  Well I better wrap this up, so have fun living life and keeping God close to your heart and remember one more thing, "Today give a stranger one of your smiles.  It might be the only sunshine he sees all day."-Jackson Brown Jr.

Sincerely,
Ashley Wilson

While I was reading, I laughed at the memories it brought back, cringed at all of the spelling and grammar mistakes I made, and reflected on how drastically my thoughts, views, goals and dreams have changed over the years.  It's fun to hear myself from years ago, but what would have been really awesome is if I could have given myself a letter then from me right now, just like Brad Paisley's song Letter To Me.  From 2005 till now I have grown tremendously and if I could write a letter to myself as a child from me as of now, in the future, this is what I would say:

Dear Ashley,

You are a gift.  You are a unique puzzle piece meant to fill a missing spot in God's kingdom.
There will be many people in this world that will try to discourage you and hurt you.  You will run across many people who will dislike you and persecute you for who you are and for being a child of God.  Don't let them get you down.  You have a heart filled with love which means you will get hurt often, but do not hold this hurt in your heart.  Give your hurt to God.  If you hold onto these things you will become bitter and it will destroy you.  Even in your hurt and your pain, continue to love.  Love the ones that hurt you and continue to be yourself.

While you may run across many people that will deceive and hurt you for who you are, you will also run across many that will love you and accept you for who you are.  Wait patiently for these people.   They are well worth the wait.  When you meet them, be yourself.  Don't change.  If you must change, change because you have been convicted.  Change to better God's kingdom and to help others, not for the acceptance of others.  The people that you want to surround yourself with are the ones who accept you for who you are all around, beliefs, thoughts, accomplishments, failures, hobbies, looks, past, future, etc.  These people will want you to grow and help you to continually grow.  This means they will not be afraid to tell you what you need to hear.  I can't wait for you to meet all of these wonderful people!
I also want you to remember though, that those people that are here to hurt you and try to discourage you , they are here for your own growth.  So welcome these people and moments in your life, for they will make you who you are.  You will always have struggles in your life, but these struggles build your character.  They give you experiences.  They teach you.  They strengthen you.  They give you a connection to others and they continually open your eyes.  God uses these struggles and difficulties to remind you to rely on him.  Do it.  He uses it to build your character and once he's helped you through one struggle there will always come another one, different and bigger than the next.  Remember that after every struggle God will always shed you some light.  You might not know what he is doing in the moment and why everything seems to be falling apart at the time, but know that he has a plan and everything is happening according to his plan.  You are a part of his plan.

I want you to know that you will make many mistakes in your life and will come to realize that you are no better than any other person in the entirety of this world.  Do not be discouraged by this either, for God's grace takes away your sin.  How great to know this!  So do not hold these sins in your heart either.  Do not hold on to the mistakes you have made and let them destroy you, because they will.   Again, give them to God and he will wash them all away, leaving you clean and full of life.  For it is with God's guidance that you will be free, not with man's.
Remember to love yourself.  You will forget this and it will cause you pain, but when you learn to love yourself for who you are it will bring you so much joy!  I can't wait for you to feel this!  When you realize this do not forget it.  You can not fully love and help others if first you do not love your self.  God said to love your neighbor as yourself instead of saying more than yourself for a reason.

I want you to enjoy the moments that you are in and realize that these are the moments worth living.  It's in these moments that you have the chance to love, to inspire, to give, to create, to help, and to change.  God only gave us a certain amount of opportunities on this earth, so use them and do not hold back.  Sometimes you will get the feeling that you should speak or act but not want to, do it anyway!  Most of the time its scary and uncomfortable, because it requires you to step outside of your comfort zone and you risk the chance of being rejected and loosing your pride, but I tell you do it anyway.  God requires us to speak up and act.  Our days are numbered and who knows if we will have tomorrow to do what we chose not to do today.

I know at times in your life you will want many things.  Let me tell you and kindly remind you that all of these things mean nothing, so do not hold tightly to any of them.  Do not compare yourselves to others, this is where the wanting starts.  More than half of this world lives in extreme poverty, not having food or even clean water daily.  Think about this when you complain to your parents about not having new clothes or being able to buy certain things.  They are just things.  The most important thing in life is to love.  Loving, giving and caring for others.  These are the things that make a difference and are worth caring about.  It's these things that live eternally.

I would also like to tell you to not hold back.  That is one thing I wish I would have learned a long time ago.  If you want to do something, do it.  Don't wait for someone to tell you you should do it, that it's ok to do it or waiting for someone to do it with, but just go out and do it.  Do not wait.  Cherish your relationships and do not work your life away.  Make time for family and friends or your work will always take precedence in your life and you will miss out on building your relationships with others.  Listen to your family and friends.  You may not want to hear what your family or friends have to say sometimes, but trust me they are saying it out of love for you.  You may hate what they are telling you now, but you will thank them later.  They will not always say the right thing so reflect on what it is they are saying, bring it to God to find out whether or not it is valid.  Remember God uses the people you come across daily to speak through, to you.  It is also important to remember that you do not know everything, so do not act like it.  Admit when you are wrong and do not put others down, because they do not know something that you yourself know.  You are not here to show the world how much you know, you are here to show God's love to others.  When you come across a conflict, remember to never go to bed angry.  Let go of your pride and bring reconciliation. I know it is hard to do sometimes, but it is the right thing to do and will give you a peace of mind.
Do not judge others, love them. Everyone has their faults and failures just as you have yours.  Reflect on what you need to work on in your life, not what others need to work on.
Remember that people do not need to hear what you are against they need to see that you care and they need to see you act out of love.

You will get your heart broken a few times by someone you love the most, but let me tell you it is worth it.  You will learn so many lessons from the relationship that you had and from the heart break you will experience.  For the next time around keep this list as your guide:

Look for someone who;
Loves Jesus and puts God first
Is honest
Smart with their money
Wants to help and give to others
Not materialistic
Interested in what you do and wants to learn about what you do and what you like
Can have conversations about ideas and issues
Does not get frustrated with your constant questioning
Open to trying new things
Likes being outdoors
Likes to go do things and travel
Good at making decisions
Patient
Loves kids and people
Will help you grow as well as you helping them grow
Does not stick to set traditional roles, but works together as a team
Gets along with your family and friends
Eats healthy or willing to eat healthy
Loves you for who you are
Will do things that you like to do as well as what they like to do
Does not choose their friends over you
Open to moving places and not set and stuck on one place in the world
Likes to be silly and have fun with you!

You will go through a huge growth process in your life in which your morals, beliefs and lifestyle will be challenged.  You will have experiences with doubt and confusion, but it is all just a part of the process.  Let them happen, do not fight it.
As far as where you will end up, I have no idea.  All I know is that God knows what he is doing so trust and follow him and worry no more.  Look to him and he will guide you in the direction he wants you to go.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5&6

Do not get caught up in deadlines, grades, awards, money, bills, the to do list, goals, dreams, jobs, etc etc to the point that you worry your life away.  Trusting God with these and coming to the realization that these should not be the focus of your life is the most freeing and stress relieving experience.  So girl, let it all go!
     And if there were only two pieces of advice that I could give you it would be these:
 Do not worry and Love with all that you have.

Take these words and live by them:
Don't just pretend to love others.  Really love them.  Hate what is wrong.  Hold tightly to what is good.  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.  Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.  Rejoice in our confident hope.  Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.  When God's people are in need, be ready to help them.  Always be eager to practice hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you.  Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them.  Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.  Live in harmony with each other.  Don't be to proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people.  And don't think you know it all!  Never pay back evil with more evil.  Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do all you can to live at peace with everyone.  Dear friends, never take revenge.  Leave that to the righteous anger of God.  For the Scriptures say, 


"I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,"
says the Lord.


Instead,


"If your enemies are hungry , feed them.
If they are thirsty , give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads."


Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Romans 12:9-21

I know this is a lot to process, but i know you will take it all in and take it to heart.  I'm excited to see the plans God has for you and to see how he will use you in this plan of his.
Keep on smiling, laughing and living life one day at a time.

Love,
You

A Time for Everything

A Time for Everything

For everything there is a season,
     a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
     A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
     A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
     A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
     A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
     A time to be quite and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
     A time for war and a time for peace.


What do people really get for all their hard work?  I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  Yet God has made everything beautiful in his own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. 
~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-11


I don't know about you, but for me I sometimes forget that there is a time for everything.  Sometimes I forget to let go and throw away, or to turn away, to stop searching, to tear down, to tear and to mend, to plant or to harvest.  I forget that all of these things are meant to happen at a specific time for God's plan.  We all have certain opinions and ideas on issues and events going on in our lives and the world.  Some of us may be so strongly for peace, love, mending, embracing, healing, building up and planting and others for war, to tear, to tear down, to throw away, to turn away, to quit searching, to hate and to harvest.  One thing to remember though is that there is a specific time for all of these things in Gods plan.  There is a right timing for war and there is a right timing for peace, a right timing to tear and a right timing to mend, a right timing to kill and a right timing to heal, a right timing to scatter and a right timing to gather,  a right time to embrace and a right time to turn away, etc.   We cannot know one without the other and there is a specific time in God's plan when each of these are used to better His Kingdom.

The Meaning of Sacrifice

Today was the beginning of Lent, something I never really grew up knowing too much about since the church I grew up in never really recognized it, at least not that I ever noticed.  All I really knew about it , was that people would give something up that they liked during this time and that it ended on Easter.  I used to think that Lent was just another one of those acts that other denominations believed you had to do to be a Christian, a human rule and therefore something foolish.  It wasn't until this year that, that view has changed.  I still don't know too much about it therefore do not believe I am qualified to talk about it, but I now view it as a form of worship.

Some resources about Lent:
http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0527.html
http://www.crivoice.org/cylent.html
http://www.worldvision.org/content.nsf/learn/advocacy-newsletter-201103-resource-alert-lent

  A friend of mine had posted that they had signed up for this Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice challenge formed by World Vision Activism Network ACT:S http://www.worldvisionacts.org/, so being the curious person that I am I decided to check it out.  Well it not only intrigued me, but inspired me and got me thinking about Lent in a very different way.

They talked about the meaning of sacrifice and are going to be sacrificing a different part of their lives each week and challenged the rest of us to join and do the same.  Although they never gave the specific challenges I decided to do it anyway.  I started viewing this time ahead (40 days) as a time of sacrificing a part of myself for another, just as God has done for us.  I started thinking about what sacrifice means and came to the conclusion that it means giving up a part of yourself (your comfort, safety, desires, needs, etc) or all of yourself to lift up and love another.  Sacrificing isn't easy and it hurts, but in sacrificing we gain so much more than we could ever lose.

After defining what sacrificing meant I thought about what it was that I would sacrifice for the next 40 days.  What kind of action could I take that would lift up and love another, while I experienced a sense of loss?  A few ideas went through my head, which I would still like to do at some point in my life, but I decided on two that I would specifically focus on for these next 40 days.

1.) As a child with not the greatest looks or so I believed, I was often picked on and developed a deep insecurity about my physical appearance.  As an adult I didn't think that insecurity was that strong anymore, but that's because I have become really good at masking it.

Makeup.  That is the best one.  This tool can cover any blemish, uneven skin tone, make your eyelashes longer and darker, add some color to your face, make your eye color pop, and make your eyes more defined and give your face a glow.  Yes, it works wonders for a girl like me.

Jewelry.  I have an obsession with earrings and the funkier they are the better.  They make any outfit look 10 times better and draws the attention away from just my face.

Hair products/tools.  Also wonder workers.  These things keep your hair in place just the way it should, they can make it super straight or even hold those beautiful curls or waves.  Yes, these are great.

Contacts.  These definitely take out the nerd in me, at least appearance wise.  You see glasses have never been able to sit on my face right.  They always sit crooked on my face not mentioning the fact that you cannot see my small droopy eyes behind them.

I rarely ever go outside of my house without all of these things or at least most of these things on.  They have become such a part of me that I didn't even realize that they were hurting me.  I also realized that these things are so unnecessary when there are millions of people in this world who are dying from hunger, disease and dehydration daily.  While I am spending money on things to make myself look better for no apparent reason than to keep up with this social image of beauty, others are dying because their needs are not being met.  So, for the next 40 days I have decided to give up all of these physical appearance altering materials and tools and give the money that it would cost for all of this to those who really need it.  At the same time I realized that since I wouldn't need all of the extra time to get ready in the morning I would have more time to spend with the One who made me and in doing so get rid of my hurtful insecurities.

2.)  Since I couldn't decide on what I should sacrifice during Lent I asked my brother which one he thought I should do.  His answer: Both : ).  So along with sacrificing everything that alters my physical appearance I have decided to also give up the comfort of my bed and sleep on the floor with only a thin blanket.  My bed has always been a source of comfort to me except for maybe as a child when my mom would make me sleep in it.  As I grew up though and started working and going to school and keeping up with a social life my bed became my only form of relaxation and therefore a comfort.  As a full time teacher now it is the one thing I look forward to at the end of the day and one of the things I did not want to give up.  Again though there are so many people in this world that do not have the comfort of a bed or let alone the comfort and safety of a home.  I cringed at the idea of not having a bed for 40 days, the possibility of getting no sleep, because of discomfort and then aching the next morning because of no support for my body.  No, not this one.  Sacrifice: giving up a part of yourself (your comfort, safety, desires, needs, etc) or all of yourself to lift up and love another.  To be able to understand another persons suffering I needed to do this even if it is on a much smaller scale.  I am giving up the comfort of my bed for 40 days to feel the discomfort of another and giving what it would cost for a bed to habitat for humanity so someone else somewhere may find the comfort of a home.

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you.  Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will find acceptable.  This is truly the way to worship him.  Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.   Romans 12:1-2

The Blessing & The Struggle

Have you ever had an epiphany, one of those Ah Ha! moments?  You know the ones where something finally clicks in your brain and you can see things so much clearer.  You finally have an understanding in a place that once was foggy.  Well, this morning I had one of those moments.  I love these moments, moments in which my eyes are opened a little bit more and I am filled with a little bit more of understanding.  Yes, these moments are what I cannot wait for.

So what was this Ah Ha! moment?  I don't know exactly how it started or came about but I'll do my best to recap.

Yesterday afternoon I went to go serve food at a homeless shelter in down town Houston.  I have been trying to find places in which I can put my faith into action and help and love the people of this world.  The experience was eye opening and while I didn't know what to think or feel while I was inside helping, the moment I walked out that door I broke down into tears.  Usually when this happens I am thinking about something, but this time I don't think I was thinking about anything.  I then drove out of the parking lot and saw something I have never seen in person before.  It's something I have seen on TV, in pictures or in smaller amounts but not this size in real life.  I don't know if I was just too busy trying to find where I was supposed to go when I arrived that I hadn't noticed this or what, but as I was driving down the streets I saw homeless people lined down the streets on either sides.  Some were standing, others sitting, and some were sleeping.  The streets were covered with backpacks, bags, blankets, clothes and whatever little amount of possessions they had.  I started to think about the day to day struggles they had to go through that I have never in my life had to worry about.  Things like when will my next meal come, where can I get water, where do I go to the bathroom, where can I clean myself, where can I sleep, will tonight be the night I get raped, beaten or mugged, how cold will I get in my sleep tonight, and on and on and on.  As you might guess this made me break down even more and the whole way home I took turns crying, being angry, frustrated and then breaking down and crying some more.  This cycle took me all the way home.

Once I got home I was emotionally drained, so I got into bed and began to read a book a friend of mine borrowed to me, The Hole In Our Gospel, which is about the large gap between the wealthy and those in poverty and what it is we are missing in our faith as Christians.  Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is God has called me to do and what my purpose is in life and that experience of serving at the homeless shelter just frustrated that part of me even more, in not knowing what it is I should be doing.  Remembering a conversation I had had with this friend about their gifts, I remembered he had pointed out a few websites in the back of this book that show you what your spiritual gifts are.

About 4-5 years ago I had taken a Sunday school class with my parents in which we went over the different kinds of spiritual gifts and took a test to see what ours were and also had others that were close to us do the same thing for us.  When I found out my gift I came to the realization that it definitely described me, but I never really realized that it was a gift because it came so naturally to me.  At the same time though I didn't like it because it was that gift that made me hurt so bad and contained the things I didn't like about myself.  After finding out my gift I just shrugged it off and didn't think about it too much after that.  To me at that moment it was just like a personality quiz, it's fun to see what it says about you and how close it can get to telling you about yourself, but then its on to the rest of your life.

Remembering these resources where right in the back of this book, I decided to try them out and see if anything had changed.  Ha, I laugh now when I think of that thought, how ridiculous of me to think that God changed my gift somewhere down the line right?  I took the tests and sure enough, Mercy, was number one every time.  There was one test that went more in depth into the results explaining to me this gift of Mercy that I have been given.  It was late though so I decided to get some sleep for the night.  Morning arrived though and I couldn't help thinking about finding some resource that would help me figure out what to do with this gift and how to properly use it and strengthen it.  While I did not find any books I could buy, I did find a few good writings about it.

This being the one I found most helpful.
http://www.netbiblestudy.com/00_cartimages/Compassion.pdf

It told me about my strengths, but the best part was that it told me about the dangers and my weaknesses.   This gift was me pretty much to a T except for a few things.  Some of the weaknesses I have learned to balance out a little bit more, but others are bigger problem areas in my life.  I noticed that this gift was the answer to so many questions I had had about things that have happened to me in my life, why they happened and how they happened.  This gift was the source of both my blessings and my struggles.  I finally understood why I had made the mistakes I have made in my life and what it was I have been missing all along.  The very thing I loved about myself was also the thing that I hated about myself and was a part of the reason I have made the bad decisions I have and have put myself in bad situations that I have.

"It is potentially the most beautiful gift of all-and the most emotionally destructive gift of all."

As I read even more, I came to the realization of the specific qualities that I was missing or the qualities that do not come naturally to me.  I started to realize that these qualities that I had a hard time with, the ones I am usually missing, are the very ones my mom had... I don't know her exact gift and neither did she when I asked, but according to this resource the person with the gift of Prophecy/Perceiving was the one that had the qualities that I did not and is a good compliment to my gift. 

Gift overview here:
http://www.victorylifechurch.org/pdf/motivational_gift_of_prophecy.pdf

So, this is why we have been butting heads our whole lives!!  Then I laughed and thought of how great and intricate God's plan is for us.  He gave me this specific gift of Mercy and because he gave me that gift he gave me the mother that he did.  The one who taught me to not always make decisions based on my feelings, but to think logically and reasonably.  The one who taught me that there is no gray area in right from wrong, when I try to look at things from different perspectives and may change what I perceive to be right and wrong.  The one who taught me there is no excuse for doing wrong, when I try to make excuses for or empathize with myself or others.  The one who showed me to be firm in disciplinary action and not always a pushover like myself.  He knew that I needed a mother with this gift to balance out my own gift and teach me to recognize these weak areas in my life, so that way I can make better decisions and develop my gift to use it to better His kingdom.

After this Ah Ha! moment I had to call my mom and tell her about what I had discovered.  We had a great conversation and are beginning to understand how each other work and how we compliment each other and can help each other in the areas we are weakest in in our lives.

My mom, "You are learning this at a young age.  Most people don't figure this stuff out until they are older."
Me- "Ha really?  Because I was upset with myself for not doing this years ago when I first figured out what my gift was I could have saved myself from making a lot of the mistakes I have."
Mom- "How old are you Hunny?"
Me- "23"
Mom- "At age 27 your frontal lobe becomes fully developed, I think you are doing just fine."

Sometimes I become upset with myself for not figuring things out earlier, but I know that God has a plan and he makes everything happen at just the right moment in time, His time.

1 Corinthians 1:25
This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.


If you want to find out your own spiritual gifts check out these links:

www.umc.org/site/c.lwL4KnN1LtH/b.1355371/k.9501/Spiritual_Gifts.htm

www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi?intro=1

www.christianet.com/bible/spiritualgiftstest.htm

Love First

Since it is Valentines day I thought it was only appropriate to write about love, since Valentines Day is all about love right?

I don't know if it's always been this way or how it is in other areas around the world, but something I have noticed in the American culture is that we find our worth in how much other people show us love.  We tend to expect the world to love us and then we will show love back, if its not too much work.  Oh wait, and if it doesn't take up too much of our time.  We can't waste any of our precious time... and as long as it doesn't cost too much and make me step too far out of my comfort zone.  That would just be too much. If we are not shown love, we sulk in our own despair and throw ourselves a pity party.  We may also lash out and say that love doesn't exist and that we are better off with out it.   I used to have this mentality, waiting for others to love me.  I found my worth in the amount of friends I had and relationships made.  With this mentality, I was never loved and never loved myself.

Here is the first problem with this picture, we tend to wait or expect others to love us first.  Sounds more like selfishness to me.  Love has no room for selfishness (thinking about ourselves first), but rather selflessness (thinking about others first).  So what we should be doing is not waiting for others to make the first move, but to go and love others first. 

This may sound weird, but I absolutely love love.  When another human being is willing to sacrifice time, value, money, comfort, joy, pride, importance and even life for another, to me is the most beautiful thing in the world.  There was a point in my life after many years of being picked on and never fitting in that I just broke down.  I thought about everything for a while and thought about my options.  I could just shut myself away and keep to myself and never get my heart broken and never feel any pain or I could continue to love others, do the right and risk getting my heart broken over and over again.  It was that day I decided that I would be much more miserable not loving others than I would be loving others and feeling the pain of not being loved in return.  Many people think that love comes easy, that's another problem area in American Love.  Love isn't always easy.  It takes patience.  It takes time, our sweet precious time.  It takes hard work.  It requires uncomfortability.  It requires dedication.  It requires risk. It requires sacrifice.  And many times, loving others hurts.

I started to find my worth not in others, but in God's love for me. I started to grow stronger and let less of the world tell me my worth, but it wasn't really until this last fall that I really understood and accepted this.  You see I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years and when that started I started to find my worth in that person.  I started to find my worth in them because I spent so much of my time and energy on them rather than with my heavenly Father.  I never really loved myself and kept trying to gain worth through relationships that could never get me there.  About a year ago God gave me the gift of becoming single.  It was the hardest and most heart breaking decision that I have ever had to make.  Breaking the heart and cutting the tie with someone you have invested so much time, effort and love into for 4 1/2 years is hard, but honestly It was probably one of the best decisions I could have made for the both of us.  

I started to find myself and build my relationship with God again, but I still struggled with finding my value in others.  I could be surrounded by a hundred people and still go home feeling lonely and unloved, never completely fitting in.  It was then God gave me another gift, a trip to Texas.  It was here that I was forced to rely on him.  No more running back home or to others to find comfort, worth or love I had to run to him. Without all of the relationships I thought I needed to keep up with I had so much free time to be with Him.  This time I invested my love, my time and my effort into Him and in November (I think it was) for the first time in my whole entire life I finally came to love myself and feel fully loved.  With this new found love and singleness God has given me the chance and the time to love so many others than I could have before.  That is what I love the most.  I have the chance and the time to invest my love into so many more people now than I would have been able to.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19


Be the first to reach out to another in love.  Just imagine for a second, if everyone jumped up to go and love others before others could love them.  Think of how different this world would look.  Go and make it happen.

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.  God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.  And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.

1 John 4:16-17

My Favorite Quotes & Moments of the Week

As most of you know I have started a teaching job teaching 7th & 8th grade Art.  The first week went amazingly well, the second week was hell and this week had it's ups and downs.  Kids trying to argue, not listening, being disrespectful, telling me the wished they could go back to their other teacher or get out of my class or that they hated it.  Kids breaking out in word fights and drama, drama, drama.  Doubts started to creep in, wondering if this is what I should even be doing?  Am I even cut out to be a teacher?  I thought this was what I was called to do, but I felt as if nothing I was saying or doing was getting through to these kids at all...  Am I doing things all wrong?  Should I be more like the other teachers yelling and screaming at these kids every time they do something?  I thought maybe me being there was more damaging to these students than beneficial...

A lot of questions have been running through my head these last few weeks and I lost track of why I became a teacher and why I was here with these kids.  I let my want for comfort and ease get the best of me.  I let the many bad things that were going on take over me, over the single good things that showed me what I did mattered.  Because wether I may notice it or not these kids are constantly watching, watching what I do and what I say.  That's why I am putting together this little list.  A list of the little things this week that showed me that all that matters is that I reach one, even if it feels like everything I am doing is all wrong.

1.) The first time I noticed my actions were being noticed was while I was walking down the hall.  A little girl that I had never had in class was walking down the hall.  I smiled at her and she said, "Miss, whenever I see you you are always smiling."  I laughed and said, "Is that a bad thing or a good thing?"  She answered with, "It's a good thing." and went into her classroom.

Sometimes what we do comes so natural to us that we forget that those little things may make all the difference to someone else.

2.) My second favorite was with this kid who, once put into my class, did absolutely nothing.  I thought I had forgotten to put his grades in because there was nothing in the computer for him.  He would either come to class and draw on his self or he would put his head down and sleep.  Every time I tried to talk to him he wouldn't answer.  At first I started trying to coax him into doing something, then it turned into giving him the choice to work or consequences will be given, but I then I felt that with him that would be taking a hundred steps backward rather than a step forward.  So each day I made it a point to say hi every time I saw him and ask him how his day was going.  He never answered me... but I kept it up.  In my classroom I get the luxury of going around the room and sitting down with my students and getting to know them while they work and I work.  One day I sat down by this particular student and asked him what he would like to do when he got older.  He answered with, "A video game designer."  So I chatted with him about it and told him how awesome that was and asked him about his favorite games, etc. and told him about how school would help him reach his dream.  He didn't talk to me this whole part of the time, but I knew he could hear me.  After I went off to help another student he raised his hand and said, "Miss come here I have a question for you."  So I went over and he asked me about some classes he should maybe take.  Break through!!!  He has now been slowly doing work and I am so excited for him
: )!


3.)  My most favorite moment this week was on Thursday.  There were these two kids in the other art teachers class that were in special Ed.  Instead of having them work on the projects the other kids did the other teacher just let them do their own thing and color.  I knew that letting them do whatever wasn't helping them with anything and makes it seem as if they are not apart of the class.  So I would go over each day and work with them.  The boy would start to get out his stuff on his own and come up to me to help him start.  I would help him start the project and then leave him to finish the rest.  Well, he stayed in that classroom when I left, but every time in the hallway he will come by and give me a quick hug, because he doesn't really like to talk.  Well Thursday morning was a rough start and as I was leaving my classroom, this little boy came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and held on for dear life for the longest time : ).  That my dear friends is the best feeling ever.   That was the best hug I have ever received in my life...and a tear jerker I would say.


Funniest quotes:

1.)  Me- "Your too young to date."
Student- "Do you have a boyfriend."
Me- "No."
Student- "How old are you?"
Me- "23"
Student- "Well your too old not to date."

2.)  I was talking with my students about what they had planned for the weekend and one student asked me what I had planned.  "Well, nothing yet.  Just getting more stuff I need for the classroom and working on putting lessons together.  Go to church, oh ya and the super bowl party on sunday."
Student- "Jeez miss you sound so old!  You are young you should be out doing stuff.  My grandma has more plans than you!"

3.)  I was putting up some stuff in my classroom when I overheard  a table say something like, "I wonder what teachers do....?"  I pipe up and say, "What do you wonder about teachers?!"  The students laugh and one of them goes, "We were wondering what you teachers do after school on the weekends?"
I laugh and ask, "What do you think we do?"
Student- "I think you all go clubbing on Friday and Saturday night and then go to church on Sunday."

4.)  There is one of my students 7th period that almost always comes to class looking grumpy or with an attitude.  He has got a great sense of humor though, but can be very literal and serious a lot of the time.  Well one day he comes in all grumpy looking and me being in a playful mood go up to him in his face and sing part of finding nemo, "Hey Mr. Grumpy gills you know what you do when life gets you down?"  I smirk appears on his face.  "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming swimming, swimming..."  He gets up and says,  "I am out."  and walks out the door.  I of course follow him.  "I guess I'll just have to sing to you out here in the hallway in front of everyone, "What do you do you swiiiim swiiiim ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhh!"
"Ha stop your embarrassing me!"
"Ahhh but I got you to smile."

ha ha thats what I love about middle schoolers they are so easily embarrassed : )

Even if it feels like you are doing absolutely everything wrong possible and everything seems to be going wrong, and you can't see what good can be coming of it remember that God can see it and does have a more amazing plan for us than we could ever imagine and probably won't ever fully see it.

"This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25

"So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable.  Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."  1 Corinthians 15:58

"That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed everyday.  For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be see.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The Darkest Part of Me

I'll warn you first before you start to read this... If you want to keep whatever image you have of me now don't read any further.  My suggestion though is that you do.  Why?  Because I think it's about time you see all of me.

For some reason after the new year I have run into many blog posts, books and scripture that has all talked about living with integrity, living every part of your life the same no matter where you might be or who you might be with. In other words, don't have multiple personalities or lives.  Acting one way with your coworkers, another way with your family, a different way with your buddies, another way with your spiritual family and so on.  Let's face it, I'm sure most of us can agree that we act or have acted different in different situations and around different people at some point in our lives, whether we want to admit it or not. Or maybe we say we believe one thing and then do another.  Sound familiar? It does to me....I know I have and still do.

My question is why?  Why do we act differently in one situation than another and why do we act one way around some people and a different way around others?  My answer is that it's a learned behavior.  We are born not knowing anything, but trusting everything.  A child cries out whenever they are upset, hungry, tired, sick, etc.  without any reservations and they trust that their needs will be met.  They don't need to be taught to say whatever they think or to do the wrong thing, they do that all on their own without looking for approval.

What they then are taught is how to behave.  What is wrong and what is right.  How they are supposed to act in certain situations; at the grocery store, with family, at school, at daycare, with other kids, etc.  Then they learn by other peoples reactions what they can do or say around them with or without judgment.  They start to learn that that judgment matters and they should care about what others think of them and what they say. Then it turns into a game, a competition.  Seeing who has the best things and who has nothing, who does the most good and who does the worst.  How they can get back at each other and how they can look better than someone else.  They start to compare themselves and give themselves excuses, as a way out.  Well at least I haven't done what he has?  I have done way more good deeds than she has?  That person did the same thing, so it must be OK.
Somewhere between a child and becoming an adult are views become skewed.

Matthew 18:1
About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."


Even Jesus disciples, his followers and grown men, were arguing over who was the best among them, fighting for a position of advantage.  Sound familiar yet? Oh and did I mention these were followers of Jesus?  Remember that part.

Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them.  Then he said,"I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven."


Hold up! So Jesus is saying that the men that have been following him around, traveling with him and assisting him when he reaches out to the poor, the hurting, the sick, the weak, the troubled, the sinners aren't good enough to get into the Kingdom of Heaven?! What is this?!

The disciples were so preoccupied with looking good outwardly that they forgot about seeking a place of service in their hearts. They were more occupied competing with each other to gain a status of importance, than they were with looking on the inside and become devoted to the changing of their hearts.  They depended on themselves (their actions, their outward deeds) to get into heaven rather than depending on Jesus and letting him change them and meet their needs.

"So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."

Children are weak and dependent upon their caregivers as we should be with God.  They are not competing to gain any sort of status and have not yet been influenced by the world.  They are humble and their hearts are sincere.  They have not yet been taught to act as we do...

Like these disciples I myself have been guilty of doing the same things.  Comparing myself to others when I have done wrong thinking, "Well at least I haven't gone that far, or haven't done those things."  and also in the other direction, "I am doing more good things than some people, so I must be doing a good job."  It's shameful, I know that.  I'm not proud of any of it.  The worst is when people tell me I am doing great things and it starts to get to my head.  I have always loved to know when I am doing a good job or a bad job, so that way I know what I need to do to change, but sometimes that pride creeps in and I let it get to my head.  That's when I have to remind myself of the many things that I have done, that are equally as sinful as anyone else in this world.  I don't deserve anything more than anyone else and I definitely do not deserve God's mercy and grace.

Many of you may know my name and a part of me, some of you may not know anything about me and most of you don't know all of me.  As a start striving to live my life with integrity and letting God change my heart, I have decided to lay out all of my sins out on the table for all of you to see.  Some of you may not care, some of you may be appalled and not look at me the same way again, but it has been laid on my heart for a while and I think it's a bout time a christian takes of their mask and costume and lets the whole world see that we are just as sinful as anyone else in this world.  It's hard to admit out loud, and as messed up as this sounds I think its harder to admit them to the people around us than it is to God, when it should be the opposite.  We are no better than the person standing next to us, we are no better than the corporate owner swimming in his greed, we are no better than the murderer in jail for the second or third time, we are no better than the prostitute working out on the street to make a living, we are no better than the drug cartels, the cheaters, the thieves, the molesters, the terrorists, etc we are these people.  The only difference is in knowing that everything I have done is wrong and acceptance of God's gift that was given for everyone.


So what is it that I have done through out my life?  I won't go into details, think the worst if you'd like or the least, either way its all the same... I have stolen, I have cheated in more than one way, I have had sex before marriage, I've been drunk, I have cussed, I have made fun of people behind their backs and in front of their face, I have thought about myself before others buying useless things when their are people in need (greed), I have thought very highly of myself (Pride), I have been wasteful, I have passed up opportunities to help someone, I have tried drugs, I have watched porn, I have wanted what other people have (jealousy), I have passed up opportunities to show God's love.

Corinthians 5:14-17
"Either way Christ's love controls us.  Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.  He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves.  Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.  So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.  How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"


Some people use the excuse that God forgives and since they are saved and are a "Christian" they just keep repeating the same sins over and over again, but that's not true.  If we are a follower of Christ we will be changed from the inside out.  Does it mean that we will never sin again? No, what it means is that we understand God's love for us and open our hearts to let him change it and our thoughts.  We continue to work towards living right in God's eyes and continue to love the people of this world in every aspect of our life.  Does that mean what you do gets you into Heaven?  No, Jesus already saved us from our sins when he died on the cross and once we truly realize that we are sinners and truly accept his gift we decide to put him at the center of our lives, let him change us and strive towards living like Jesus did.

Ephesians 5:1-8
Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.  Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ.  He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you.  Such sins have no place among God's people.  Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes-these are not for you.  Instead let there be thankfulness to God.  You can be sure that no greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God.  For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.  Don't be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.  Don't participate in the things these people do.  For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the lord.  So live as people from the light!  For this light within you only produces what is good and right and true.

My advice to those who don't know Jesus as their personal lord and savior is this, do not look to Christians as how Jesus lived and what Christianity is all about.  Look at what Jesus did and said. Start with John and read the new testament.  Humans are natural sinners we do not always do the right thing, so looking to us for what Jesus is all about would be very foolish.  To those of you who do know Jesus as your personal lord and savior I pray that you take this challenge along with me to live every part of your life for God and keep him at the center of it all changing your heart and mind.



P.S. Sorry this one is so long!!  There are so many paths you can take with this and there are a lot of areas in which people can get the wrong idea so I didn't want to skip out too much on anything.

My Random Thoughts

For this new year I am trying to get back on track with eating healthy and staying active.  I have missed that so much and with my new 25lbs of me you can tell!!  I tell you this southern food will get ya!  So, as I was running the other day I was thinking about the things that I always thought would be super cool to have.  So I thought I would share this random thought and list with all of you.

1.)  Hover Cars

I always thought it would be super cool if we had hover cars, because then we wouldn't need roads and we could get places so much faster.

2.) Telaporters

With this we wouldn't really need hover cars, but it would be so awesome to teleport from one place to another whenever you wanted! I really love to travel so this would be amazing and think of how much time we would save!!

3.) A Soundtrack To Your Life

I absolutely love music.  I love how it affects your mood and the feeling you have.  I love how it tells a story and I love how relatable it is to life.  I also love to move to it, dance, spin, skip, jump, skate, etc.  I always thought it would be so cool to have music playing out loud wherever you went that told the story of your life.  Whatever you were feeling at that moment there would be a song playing for it.  Whatever situation you are in there would be a perfect song playing for it. 

4.)  A Personal Life Video taper and/or Photographer

Think of all of those awesome hilarious moments in your life that you wish you could replay over and over and over again.  Imagine if there was a way to videotape every moment of your life so that you could capture those moments and share them or watch them over and over again.  Or if there was someone to take a picture for you when anything exciting, beautiful or funny happens.  Imagine!!

5.) A Time Machine

I'm sure most of us have always thought this would be pretty sweet to have.  Imagine being able to go back in history and talk to those people we have always wanted to talk to and ask questions, philosophers, mass murderers, revolutionists, activists, great leaders, horrible leaders, teachers, artists, inventors, extinct cultures, explorers and the ordinary everyday people.  Imagine the times you could visit and see! Imagine how much we could learn...

6.) Enter A Live Book

I have always loved to read and while reading I have thought before how awesome it would be to be able to go into the book and see the places and the characters in action.

Warning!  As cool as these may seem they would definitely have their problems too.  Yes I have thought of that as well... Can you say nerd?

I would love to hear all of your ideas on what you have thought would always be really cool to have!

A New Day, A New Year

A new day, a new year and a new chapter in my life has begun.  December 18, 2011 was my official graduation day.  Graduating with a bachelors in Art Education and now in this new year I will get the chance to put it to use.  On Monday I went in to Human Relations, filled out all of my paper work and headed off to my new school.  Before I had left for Minnesota I had no idea when I would be starting to teach and when I would be able to set up my classroom or when I would get students.  Well as I went over to the new school monday I still did not know anything that was going on.  For those who have known me for a while, would know that being thrown into something and not know anything of what is going on would stress me out very much, but now I am able to take things as they come and go.  Which is good, because it seems to happen to me constantly.  

When I arrived at the school the principle was gone, the secretary didn't realize I was coming and neither did the assistant principles, and the classroom I was supposed to have was still occupied by another teacher.  Ha go figure.  Since it was a staff development day I just hung out with the other art teacher at the school, met some of the other teachers and went to my first meeting with the electives teachers, who are hilarious by the way!  Once the principle came back we kind of figured out a plan for me.  I will be helping out in the Art teachers classroom for 2-3 weeks until they can split up the classes and switch schedules around.  I will be taking the 7th graders while the other teacher will be taking the 8th graders.  I will be teaching in a science room until the end of the year, when the other teacher can move out her stuff.  The room I will be teaching in though still has stuff in it, so I still can't set up my classroom and I still don't know for sure when I will be getting students.  Ha everything in my life is an uncertainty still, but I have come to the conclusion that it will always be that way.  After school I went out for dinner with some of the teachers and received a phone call from Pier One.  Before I left for Minnesota I had told my boss about the new job, but let him know I would still like to work over the summer.  So we figured I would just work I weekend each month to keep the job until summer.  Well the call was that I was supposed to work at 5:30 and four more times that week. Surprise!!  I still have two jobs apparently! 

 As you know life goes on and I take each day as it comes.  I still don't know what lies ahead.  All I know at this moment, is that I am writing this post aimlessly...oh and my fears.  Yes I know those too.  The fear that these kids are going to be upset, when they are taken from their teacher that they have now and given to me.  The fear that I won't be able to handle this.  The fear that I won't do a good job.  The fear that I chose the wrong school.  The fear that the other teachers might not like having another art teacher.  The fear of feeling alone here.  The fear of loosing my love and passion, like some teachers have. They already think its crazy that I still have a smile on my face each morning when I arrive and each night when I leave.  I pray that it stays there...