The Meaning of Sacrifice

Today was the beginning of Lent, something I never really grew up knowing too much about since the church I grew up in never really recognized it, at least not that I ever noticed.  All I really knew about it , was that people would give something up that they liked during this time and that it ended on Easter.  I used to think that Lent was just another one of those acts that other denominations believed you had to do to be a Christian, a human rule and therefore something foolish.  It wasn't until this year that, that view has changed.  I still don't know too much about it therefore do not believe I am qualified to talk about it, but I now view it as a form of worship.

Some resources about Lent:
http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0527.html
http://www.crivoice.org/cylent.html
http://www.worldvision.org/content.nsf/learn/advocacy-newsletter-201103-resource-alert-lent

  A friend of mine had posted that they had signed up for this Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice challenge formed by World Vision Activism Network ACT:S http://www.worldvisionacts.org/, so being the curious person that I am I decided to check it out.  Well it not only intrigued me, but inspired me and got me thinking about Lent in a very different way.

They talked about the meaning of sacrifice and are going to be sacrificing a different part of their lives each week and challenged the rest of us to join and do the same.  Although they never gave the specific challenges I decided to do it anyway.  I started viewing this time ahead (40 days) as a time of sacrificing a part of myself for another, just as God has done for us.  I started thinking about what sacrifice means and came to the conclusion that it means giving up a part of yourself (your comfort, safety, desires, needs, etc) or all of yourself to lift up and love another.  Sacrificing isn't easy and it hurts, but in sacrificing we gain so much more than we could ever lose.

After defining what sacrificing meant I thought about what it was that I would sacrifice for the next 40 days.  What kind of action could I take that would lift up and love another, while I experienced a sense of loss?  A few ideas went through my head, which I would still like to do at some point in my life, but I decided on two that I would specifically focus on for these next 40 days.

1.) As a child with not the greatest looks or so I believed, I was often picked on and developed a deep insecurity about my physical appearance.  As an adult I didn't think that insecurity was that strong anymore, but that's because I have become really good at masking it.

Makeup.  That is the best one.  This tool can cover any blemish, uneven skin tone, make your eyelashes longer and darker, add some color to your face, make your eye color pop, and make your eyes more defined and give your face a glow.  Yes, it works wonders for a girl like me.

Jewelry.  I have an obsession with earrings and the funkier they are the better.  They make any outfit look 10 times better and draws the attention away from just my face.

Hair products/tools.  Also wonder workers.  These things keep your hair in place just the way it should, they can make it super straight or even hold those beautiful curls or waves.  Yes, these are great.

Contacts.  These definitely take out the nerd in me, at least appearance wise.  You see glasses have never been able to sit on my face right.  They always sit crooked on my face not mentioning the fact that you cannot see my small droopy eyes behind them.

I rarely ever go outside of my house without all of these things or at least most of these things on.  They have become such a part of me that I didn't even realize that they were hurting me.  I also realized that these things are so unnecessary when there are millions of people in this world who are dying from hunger, disease and dehydration daily.  While I am spending money on things to make myself look better for no apparent reason than to keep up with this social image of beauty, others are dying because their needs are not being met.  So, for the next 40 days I have decided to give up all of these physical appearance altering materials and tools and give the money that it would cost for all of this to those who really need it.  At the same time I realized that since I wouldn't need all of the extra time to get ready in the morning I would have more time to spend with the One who made me and in doing so get rid of my hurtful insecurities.

2.)  Since I couldn't decide on what I should sacrifice during Lent I asked my brother which one he thought I should do.  His answer: Both : ).  So along with sacrificing everything that alters my physical appearance I have decided to also give up the comfort of my bed and sleep on the floor with only a thin blanket.  My bed has always been a source of comfort to me except for maybe as a child when my mom would make me sleep in it.  As I grew up though and started working and going to school and keeping up with a social life my bed became my only form of relaxation and therefore a comfort.  As a full time teacher now it is the one thing I look forward to at the end of the day and one of the things I did not want to give up.  Again though there are so many people in this world that do not have the comfort of a bed or let alone the comfort and safety of a home.  I cringed at the idea of not having a bed for 40 days, the possibility of getting no sleep, because of discomfort and then aching the next morning because of no support for my body.  No, not this one.  Sacrifice: giving up a part of yourself (your comfort, safety, desires, needs, etc) or all of yourself to lift up and love another.  To be able to understand another persons suffering I needed to do this even if it is on a much smaller scale.  I am giving up the comfort of my bed for 40 days to feel the discomfort of another and giving what it would cost for a bed to habitat for humanity so someone else somewhere may find the comfort of a home.

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you.  Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will find acceptable.  This is truly the way to worship him.  Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.   Romans 12:1-2

The Blessing & The Struggle

Have you ever had an epiphany, one of those Ah Ha! moments?  You know the ones where something finally clicks in your brain and you can see things so much clearer.  You finally have an understanding in a place that once was foggy.  Well, this morning I had one of those moments.  I love these moments, moments in which my eyes are opened a little bit more and I am filled with a little bit more of understanding.  Yes, these moments are what I cannot wait for.

So what was this Ah Ha! moment?  I don't know exactly how it started or came about but I'll do my best to recap.

Yesterday afternoon I went to go serve food at a homeless shelter in down town Houston.  I have been trying to find places in which I can put my faith into action and help and love the people of this world.  The experience was eye opening and while I didn't know what to think or feel while I was inside helping, the moment I walked out that door I broke down into tears.  Usually when this happens I am thinking about something, but this time I don't think I was thinking about anything.  I then drove out of the parking lot and saw something I have never seen in person before.  It's something I have seen on TV, in pictures or in smaller amounts but not this size in real life.  I don't know if I was just too busy trying to find where I was supposed to go when I arrived that I hadn't noticed this or what, but as I was driving down the streets I saw homeless people lined down the streets on either sides.  Some were standing, others sitting, and some were sleeping.  The streets were covered with backpacks, bags, blankets, clothes and whatever little amount of possessions they had.  I started to think about the day to day struggles they had to go through that I have never in my life had to worry about.  Things like when will my next meal come, where can I get water, where do I go to the bathroom, where can I clean myself, where can I sleep, will tonight be the night I get raped, beaten or mugged, how cold will I get in my sleep tonight, and on and on and on.  As you might guess this made me break down even more and the whole way home I took turns crying, being angry, frustrated and then breaking down and crying some more.  This cycle took me all the way home.

Once I got home I was emotionally drained, so I got into bed and began to read a book a friend of mine borrowed to me, The Hole In Our Gospel, which is about the large gap between the wealthy and those in poverty and what it is we are missing in our faith as Christians.  Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is God has called me to do and what my purpose is in life and that experience of serving at the homeless shelter just frustrated that part of me even more, in not knowing what it is I should be doing.  Remembering a conversation I had had with this friend about their gifts, I remembered he had pointed out a few websites in the back of this book that show you what your spiritual gifts are.

About 4-5 years ago I had taken a Sunday school class with my parents in which we went over the different kinds of spiritual gifts and took a test to see what ours were and also had others that were close to us do the same thing for us.  When I found out my gift I came to the realization that it definitely described me, but I never really realized that it was a gift because it came so naturally to me.  At the same time though I didn't like it because it was that gift that made me hurt so bad and contained the things I didn't like about myself.  After finding out my gift I just shrugged it off and didn't think about it too much after that.  To me at that moment it was just like a personality quiz, it's fun to see what it says about you and how close it can get to telling you about yourself, but then its on to the rest of your life.

Remembering these resources where right in the back of this book, I decided to try them out and see if anything had changed.  Ha, I laugh now when I think of that thought, how ridiculous of me to think that God changed my gift somewhere down the line right?  I took the tests and sure enough, Mercy, was number one every time.  There was one test that went more in depth into the results explaining to me this gift of Mercy that I have been given.  It was late though so I decided to get some sleep for the night.  Morning arrived though and I couldn't help thinking about finding some resource that would help me figure out what to do with this gift and how to properly use it and strengthen it.  While I did not find any books I could buy, I did find a few good writings about it.

This being the one I found most helpful.
http://www.netbiblestudy.com/00_cartimages/Compassion.pdf

It told me about my strengths, but the best part was that it told me about the dangers and my weaknesses.   This gift was me pretty much to a T except for a few things.  Some of the weaknesses I have learned to balance out a little bit more, but others are bigger problem areas in my life.  I noticed that this gift was the answer to so many questions I had had about things that have happened to me in my life, why they happened and how they happened.  This gift was the source of both my blessings and my struggles.  I finally understood why I had made the mistakes I have made in my life and what it was I have been missing all along.  The very thing I loved about myself was also the thing that I hated about myself and was a part of the reason I have made the bad decisions I have and have put myself in bad situations that I have.

"It is potentially the most beautiful gift of all-and the most emotionally destructive gift of all."

As I read even more, I came to the realization of the specific qualities that I was missing or the qualities that do not come naturally to me.  I started to realize that these qualities that I had a hard time with, the ones I am usually missing, are the very ones my mom had... I don't know her exact gift and neither did she when I asked, but according to this resource the person with the gift of Prophecy/Perceiving was the one that had the qualities that I did not and is a good compliment to my gift. 

Gift overview here:
http://www.victorylifechurch.org/pdf/motivational_gift_of_prophecy.pdf

So, this is why we have been butting heads our whole lives!!  Then I laughed and thought of how great and intricate God's plan is for us.  He gave me this specific gift of Mercy and because he gave me that gift he gave me the mother that he did.  The one who taught me to not always make decisions based on my feelings, but to think logically and reasonably.  The one who taught me that there is no gray area in right from wrong, when I try to look at things from different perspectives and may change what I perceive to be right and wrong.  The one who taught me there is no excuse for doing wrong, when I try to make excuses for or empathize with myself or others.  The one who showed me to be firm in disciplinary action and not always a pushover like myself.  He knew that I needed a mother with this gift to balance out my own gift and teach me to recognize these weak areas in my life, so that way I can make better decisions and develop my gift to use it to better His kingdom.

After this Ah Ha! moment I had to call my mom and tell her about what I had discovered.  We had a great conversation and are beginning to understand how each other work and how we compliment each other and can help each other in the areas we are weakest in in our lives.

My mom, "You are learning this at a young age.  Most people don't figure this stuff out until they are older."
Me- "Ha really?  Because I was upset with myself for not doing this years ago when I first figured out what my gift was I could have saved myself from making a lot of the mistakes I have."
Mom- "How old are you Hunny?"
Me- "23"
Mom- "At age 27 your frontal lobe becomes fully developed, I think you are doing just fine."

Sometimes I become upset with myself for not figuring things out earlier, but I know that God has a plan and he makes everything happen at just the right moment in time, His time.

1 Corinthians 1:25
This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.


If you want to find out your own spiritual gifts check out these links:

www.umc.org/site/c.lwL4KnN1LtH/b.1355371/k.9501/Spiritual_Gifts.htm

www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi?intro=1

www.christianet.com/bible/spiritualgiftstest.htm

Love First

Since it is Valentines day I thought it was only appropriate to write about love, since Valentines Day is all about love right?

I don't know if it's always been this way or how it is in other areas around the world, but something I have noticed in the American culture is that we find our worth in how much other people show us love.  We tend to expect the world to love us and then we will show love back, if its not too much work.  Oh wait, and if it doesn't take up too much of our time.  We can't waste any of our precious time... and as long as it doesn't cost too much and make me step too far out of my comfort zone.  That would just be too much. If we are not shown love, we sulk in our own despair and throw ourselves a pity party.  We may also lash out and say that love doesn't exist and that we are better off with out it.   I used to have this mentality, waiting for others to love me.  I found my worth in the amount of friends I had and relationships made.  With this mentality, I was never loved and never loved myself.

Here is the first problem with this picture, we tend to wait or expect others to love us first.  Sounds more like selfishness to me.  Love has no room for selfishness (thinking about ourselves first), but rather selflessness (thinking about others first).  So what we should be doing is not waiting for others to make the first move, but to go and love others first. 

This may sound weird, but I absolutely love love.  When another human being is willing to sacrifice time, value, money, comfort, joy, pride, importance and even life for another, to me is the most beautiful thing in the world.  There was a point in my life after many years of being picked on and never fitting in that I just broke down.  I thought about everything for a while and thought about my options.  I could just shut myself away and keep to myself and never get my heart broken and never feel any pain or I could continue to love others, do the right and risk getting my heart broken over and over again.  It was that day I decided that I would be much more miserable not loving others than I would be loving others and feeling the pain of not being loved in return.  Many people think that love comes easy, that's another problem area in American Love.  Love isn't always easy.  It takes patience.  It takes time, our sweet precious time.  It takes hard work.  It requires uncomfortability.  It requires dedication.  It requires risk. It requires sacrifice.  And many times, loving others hurts.

I started to find my worth not in others, but in God's love for me. I started to grow stronger and let less of the world tell me my worth, but it wasn't really until this last fall that I really understood and accepted this.  You see I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years and when that started I started to find my worth in that person.  I started to find my worth in them because I spent so much of my time and energy on them rather than with my heavenly Father.  I never really loved myself and kept trying to gain worth through relationships that could never get me there.  About a year ago God gave me the gift of becoming single.  It was the hardest and most heart breaking decision that I have ever had to make.  Breaking the heart and cutting the tie with someone you have invested so much time, effort and love into for 4 1/2 years is hard, but honestly It was probably one of the best decisions I could have made for the both of us.  

I started to find myself and build my relationship with God again, but I still struggled with finding my value in others.  I could be surrounded by a hundred people and still go home feeling lonely and unloved, never completely fitting in.  It was then God gave me another gift, a trip to Texas.  It was here that I was forced to rely on him.  No more running back home or to others to find comfort, worth or love I had to run to him. Without all of the relationships I thought I needed to keep up with I had so much free time to be with Him.  This time I invested my love, my time and my effort into Him and in November (I think it was) for the first time in my whole entire life I finally came to love myself and feel fully loved.  With this new found love and singleness God has given me the chance and the time to love so many others than I could have before.  That is what I love the most.  I have the chance and the time to invest my love into so many more people now than I would have been able to.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19


Be the first to reach out to another in love.  Just imagine for a second, if everyone jumped up to go and love others before others could love them.  Think of how different this world would look.  Go and make it happen.

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.  God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.  And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.

1 John 4:16-17

My Favorite Quotes & Moments of the Week

As most of you know I have started a teaching job teaching 7th & 8th grade Art.  The first week went amazingly well, the second week was hell and this week had it's ups and downs.  Kids trying to argue, not listening, being disrespectful, telling me the wished they could go back to their other teacher or get out of my class or that they hated it.  Kids breaking out in word fights and drama, drama, drama.  Doubts started to creep in, wondering if this is what I should even be doing?  Am I even cut out to be a teacher?  I thought this was what I was called to do, but I felt as if nothing I was saying or doing was getting through to these kids at all...  Am I doing things all wrong?  Should I be more like the other teachers yelling and screaming at these kids every time they do something?  I thought maybe me being there was more damaging to these students than beneficial...

A lot of questions have been running through my head these last few weeks and I lost track of why I became a teacher and why I was here with these kids.  I let my want for comfort and ease get the best of me.  I let the many bad things that were going on take over me, over the single good things that showed me what I did mattered.  Because wether I may notice it or not these kids are constantly watching, watching what I do and what I say.  That's why I am putting together this little list.  A list of the little things this week that showed me that all that matters is that I reach one, even if it feels like everything I am doing is all wrong.

1.) The first time I noticed my actions were being noticed was while I was walking down the hall.  A little girl that I had never had in class was walking down the hall.  I smiled at her and she said, "Miss, whenever I see you you are always smiling."  I laughed and said, "Is that a bad thing or a good thing?"  She answered with, "It's a good thing." and went into her classroom.

Sometimes what we do comes so natural to us that we forget that those little things may make all the difference to someone else.

2.) My second favorite was with this kid who, once put into my class, did absolutely nothing.  I thought I had forgotten to put his grades in because there was nothing in the computer for him.  He would either come to class and draw on his self or he would put his head down and sleep.  Every time I tried to talk to him he wouldn't answer.  At first I started trying to coax him into doing something, then it turned into giving him the choice to work or consequences will be given, but I then I felt that with him that would be taking a hundred steps backward rather than a step forward.  So each day I made it a point to say hi every time I saw him and ask him how his day was going.  He never answered me... but I kept it up.  In my classroom I get the luxury of going around the room and sitting down with my students and getting to know them while they work and I work.  One day I sat down by this particular student and asked him what he would like to do when he got older.  He answered with, "A video game designer."  So I chatted with him about it and told him how awesome that was and asked him about his favorite games, etc. and told him about how school would help him reach his dream.  He didn't talk to me this whole part of the time, but I knew he could hear me.  After I went off to help another student he raised his hand and said, "Miss come here I have a question for you."  So I went over and he asked me about some classes he should maybe take.  Break through!!!  He has now been slowly doing work and I am so excited for him
: )!


3.)  My most favorite moment this week was on Thursday.  There were these two kids in the other art teachers class that were in special Ed.  Instead of having them work on the projects the other kids did the other teacher just let them do their own thing and color.  I knew that letting them do whatever wasn't helping them with anything and makes it seem as if they are not apart of the class.  So I would go over each day and work with them.  The boy would start to get out his stuff on his own and come up to me to help him start.  I would help him start the project and then leave him to finish the rest.  Well, he stayed in that classroom when I left, but every time in the hallway he will come by and give me a quick hug, because he doesn't really like to talk.  Well Thursday morning was a rough start and as I was leaving my classroom, this little boy came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and held on for dear life for the longest time : ).  That my dear friends is the best feeling ever.   That was the best hug I have ever received in my life...and a tear jerker I would say.


Funniest quotes:

1.)  Me- "Your too young to date."
Student- "Do you have a boyfriend."
Me- "No."
Student- "How old are you?"
Me- "23"
Student- "Well your too old not to date."

2.)  I was talking with my students about what they had planned for the weekend and one student asked me what I had planned.  "Well, nothing yet.  Just getting more stuff I need for the classroom and working on putting lessons together.  Go to church, oh ya and the super bowl party on sunday."
Student- "Jeez miss you sound so old!  You are young you should be out doing stuff.  My grandma has more plans than you!"

3.)  I was putting up some stuff in my classroom when I overheard  a table say something like, "I wonder what teachers do....?"  I pipe up and say, "What do you wonder about teachers?!"  The students laugh and one of them goes, "We were wondering what you teachers do after school on the weekends?"
I laugh and ask, "What do you think we do?"
Student- "I think you all go clubbing on Friday and Saturday night and then go to church on Sunday."

4.)  There is one of my students 7th period that almost always comes to class looking grumpy or with an attitude.  He has got a great sense of humor though, but can be very literal and serious a lot of the time.  Well one day he comes in all grumpy looking and me being in a playful mood go up to him in his face and sing part of finding nemo, "Hey Mr. Grumpy gills you know what you do when life gets you down?"  I smirk appears on his face.  "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming swimming, swimming..."  He gets up and says,  "I am out."  and walks out the door.  I of course follow him.  "I guess I'll just have to sing to you out here in the hallway in front of everyone, "What do you do you swiiiim swiiiim ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhh!"
"Ha stop your embarrassing me!"
"Ahhh but I got you to smile."

ha ha thats what I love about middle schoolers they are so easily embarrassed : )

Even if it feels like you are doing absolutely everything wrong possible and everything seems to be going wrong, and you can't see what good can be coming of it remember that God can see it and does have a more amazing plan for us than we could ever imagine and probably won't ever fully see it.

"This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25

"So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable.  Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."  1 Corinthians 15:58

"That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed everyday.  For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be see.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18