Understanding Mom

     I haven't written in a while.  I've been busy with things that I will eventually write about later, but my itching to write has stopped me today to take some time to write about Mom.  Today is Mothers Day, we all know this, if you didn't then you still have 3 hours left to do something so your mother will never know you forgot.

     As a child I grew up loving my mom and despising her at the same time.  I always sought out her approval secretly, but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried I could never full fill it.  I was a sensitive child, always searching for approval, trying to obtain perfection in everything I did and working my hardest to acheive this goal.  My sense of feeling was abundant and caring about others and their feelings was a strong part of who I was.  My Mother was the logical thinker, the realistic reasoner and judge (I think you might be able to sense where this is going).  Needless to say as I grew into a teenage girl and continued on into high school, we clashed immensely.  She never understood my feelings and I never understood her logic and reasoning.  She seemed to think she was always right and I despised this.  I wanted so bad to have a mom that I could tell things to, but I was afraid of judgment.

     I eventually left home and went off to college and it wasn't until years after this happening that our relationship started to mend.  I started to become my own person and break free of the mental cage I had created of worrying about what my mother thought.  As I grew I started to understand her reasoning and her logic and I think she has now come to understand and see my feelings as a gift.  My view of her has totally changed and I realized that as a child I wasn't able to see or understand her actions as loving.  I was selfish, I was pride full, and I had no clue what I needed, I only knew what I wanted.
I've come to see this mother of mine as a heavenly gift, the one God specifically chose for me and the one who brought me into this world.  To say I didn't love this woman would be saying I do not love myself.

     I have had a few years to reflect on my life, discover who I am, who I am continually becoming as well as what and who has influenced these growths and changes.  My mother is a huge and significant part of this and is the reason I wanted to take time to write about her.

She is the one who taught me to love and care for others no matter how they treat you.

She taught me how to forgive.

She has never turned anyone down who needed a place to stay or a helping hand.

She is the one who taught me how to respect others and myself.

She is the one who instilled this sense of independence in me and the ability to do things on my own.

She is the one that taught me to not be wasteful.  

Turn off the lights and TV when you leave the room, reuse plastic bags, recycle, how to compost, do not leave the water running, take short showers, only take what you will finish eating, etc.

She taught me how to be a good steward with my money.

She taught me to work hard.  

She taught me how to take care of my body and how to stay healthy.

She taught me how to plant.

(My favorite memories are going with her to pick out plants and planting them together around the yard.)

She taught me how to cook.

She taught me how to read.

She taught me to think about my decisions and to use logic and reasoning.

She taught me how to vote.  She showed me how to get information on the candidates views saying,"You won't always agree with everything the candidates believe in, but you need to decide what things are the most important to you and decide from there."

She taught me to look at both sides of an argument and not to believe everything I hear or see at first glance.  Find trustworthy sources and look for the truth yourself.

She taught me that money and the things of this world do not matter.  As I have dented and wrecked quite a few things in my life, this one I am very appreciative of.  As my dad would get mad at a few of these occurrences I knew my mom would laugh and eventually my dad would too.

.

With my mom I can be goofy, I can be silly, I can ask questions about anything and she will never show annoyance towards them.  

With my mom I can cry, I can hurt, I can be angry and she will just listen and be of comfort.

She always knows what to say.

With my mom I can take a few steps back, so I can see things from a different perspective.

With my mom I can have fun.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with celebrities.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with getting boys attention.

Because of my mom, I never obsessed over having the nicest and newest things of this world.

Because of my mom, I can take care of myself.

Because of my mom, I was never obsessed with watching TV.

Because of my mom, I found a love for reading and learning.

Because of my mom, I found Jesus' love.

Because of my mom, I never really fit in anywhere.

Because of my mom, I am different.

For this, I am thankful.

Now we can talk about many things.

Now we have learned to trust each other.

Now we are starting to understand each other.

Now we are able to share our feelings.

Now we are able to talk about the issues we may have with each other, instead of holding onto it.

Now we can help each other grow.

Now we appreciate each other and our differences.

I have now come to realize that everything my mom did was out of love for me.
As a teacher, I have come to slightly understand this sort of relationship and feeling.
Caring for a child so much, wanting the very best for them and not being able to get them to understand  that you are doing everything out of love for them.
Caring so much, but getting punched in the face instead.
I am now genuinely appreciative.

Thank you mom for being there for me always.

Thank you for putting up with my attitude and awful behavior.

Thank you for loving me in spite of everything I have done to hurt you.

Thank you for supporting me and the decisions I make.

Thank you for telling me the truth, even if I might not want to hear it.

Thank you for being happy for me.

Thank you for telling me when you are proud of me.

Thank you for making me, me.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Ashley